1 twilight暮色-第38章

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hesitated；　looking　for　the　right　word　—　〃appealing　as　you　are　to　me。　
Which　makes　me　think　not。　Emmett　has　been　on　the　wagon　longer；　so　to　
speak；　and　he　understood　what　I　meant。　He　says　twice；　for　him；　once　
stronger　than　the　other。〃　

〃And　for　you？〃　

〃Never。〃　

The　word　hung　there　for　a　moment　in　the　warm　breeze。　

〃What　did　Emmett　do？〃　I　asked　to　break　the　silence。　

It　was　the　wrong　question　to　ask。　His　face　grew　dark；　his　hand　clenched　
into　a　fist　inside　mine。　He　looked　away。　I　waited；　but　he　wasn't　going　to　
answer。　

〃I　guess　I　know；〃　I　finally　said。　

He　lifted　his　eyes；　his　expression　was　wistful；　pleading。　

〃Even　the　strongest　of　us　fall　off　the　wagon；　don't　we？〃　

〃What　are　you　asking？　My　permission？〃　My　voice　was　sharper　than　I'd　
intended。　I　tried　to　make　my　tone　kinder　—　I　could　guess　what　his　honesty　
must　cost　him。　〃I　mean；　is　there　no　hope；　then？〃　How　calmly　I　could　
discuss　my　own　death！　

〃No；　no！〃　He　was　instantly　contrite。　〃Of　course　there's　hope！　I　mean；　of　
course　I　won't…〃　He　left　the　sentence　hanging。　His　eyes　burned　into　mine。　
〃It's　different　for　us。　Emmett…　these　were　strangers　he　happened　across。　
It　was　a　long　time　ago；　and　he　wasn't　as…　practiced；　as　careful；　as　he　is　
now。〃　

He　fell　silent　and　watched　me　intently　as　I　thought　it　through。　

〃So　if　we'd　met…　oh；　in　a　dark　alley　or　something…〃　I　trailed　off。　

〃It　took　everything　I　had　not　to　jump　up　in　the　middle　of　that　class　full　
of　children　and　—〃　He　stopped　abruptly；　looking　away。　〃When　you　walked　
past　me；　I　could　have　ruined　everything　Carlisle　has　built　for　us；　right　
then　and　there。　If　I　hadn't　been　denying　my　thirst　for　the　last；　well；　
too　many　years；　I　wouldn't　have　been　able　to　stop　myself。〃　He　paused；　
scowling　at　the　trees。　

He　glanced　at　me　grimly；　both　of　us　remembering。　〃You　must　have　thought　I　
was　possessed。〃　

〃I　couldn't　understand　why。　How　you　could　hate　me　so　quickly…〃　

〃To　me；　it　was　like　you　were　some　kind　of　demon；　summoned　straight　from　
my　own　personal　hell　to　ruin　me。　The　fragrance　ing　off　your　skin…　I　
thought　it　would　make　me　deranged　that　first　day。　In　that　one　hour；　I　
thought　of　a　hundred　different　ways　to　lure　you　from　the　room　with　me；　to　
get　you　alone。　And　I　fought　them　each　back；　thinking　of　my　family；　what　I　
could　do　to　them。　I　had　to　run　out；　to　get　away　before　I　could　speak　the　
words　that　would　make　you　follow…〃　

He　looked　up　then　at　my　staggered　expression　as　I　tried　to　absorb　his　
bitter　memories。　His　golden　eyes　scorched　from　under　his　lashes；　hypnotic　
and　deadly。　

〃You　would　have　e；〃　he　promised。　

I　tried　to　speak　calmly。　〃Without　a　doubt。〃　

He　frowned　down　at　my　hands；　releasing　me　from　the　force　of　his　stare。　
〃And　then；　as　I　tried　to　rearrange　my　schedule　in　a　pointless　attempt　to　
avoid　you；　you　were　there　—　in　that　close；　warm　little　room；　the　scent　
was　maddening。　I　so　very　nearly　took　you　then。　There　was　only　one　other　
frail　human　there　—　so　easily　dealt　with。〃　

I　shivered　in　the　warm　sun；　seeing　my　memories　anew　through　his　eyes；　
only　now　grasping　the　danger。　Poor　Ms。　Cope；　I　shivered　again　at　how　
close　I'd　e　to　being　inadvertently　responsible　for　her　death。　

〃But　I　resisted。　I　don't　know　how。　I　forced　myself　not　to　wait　for　you；　
not　to　follow　you　from　the　school。　It　was　easier　outside；　when　I　couldn't　
smell　you　anymore；　to　think　clearly；　to　make　the　right　decision。　I　left　
the　others　near　home　—　I　was　too　ashamed　to　tell　them　how　weak　I　was；　
they　only　knew　something　was　very　wrong　—　and　then　I　went　straight　to　
Carlisle；　at　the　hospital；　to　tell　him　I　was　leaving。〃　

I　stared　in　surprise。　

〃I　traded　cars　with　him　—　he　had　a　full　tank　of　gas　and　I　didn't　want　to　
stop。　I　didn't　dare　to　go　home；　to　face　Esme。　She　wouldn't　have　let　me　go　
without　a　scene。　She　would　have　tried　to　convince　me　that　it　wasn't　
necessary…　

〃By　the　next　morning　I　was　in　Alaska。〃　He　sounded　ashamed；　as　if　
admitting　a　great　cowardice。　〃I　spent　two　days　there；　with　some　old　
acquaintances…　but　I　was　homesick。　I　hated　knowing　I'd　upset　Esme；　and　

the　rest　of　them；　my　adopted　family。　In　the　pure　air　of　the　mountains　it　
was　hard　to　believe　you　were　so　irresistible。　I　convinced　myself　it　was　
weak　to　run　away。　I'd　dealt　with　temptation　before；　not　of　this　
magnitude；　not　even　close；　but　I　was　strong。　Who　were　you；　an　
insignificant　little　girl〃　—　he　grinned　suddenly　—　〃to　chase　me　from　the　
place　I　wanted　to　be？　So　I　came　back…〃　He　stared　off　into　space。　

I　couldn't　speak。　

〃I　took　precautions；　hunting；　feeding　more　than　usual　before　seeing　you　
again。　I　was　sure　that　I　was　strong　enough　to　treat　you　like　any　other　
human。　I　was　arrogant　about　it。　

〃It　was　unquestionably　a　plication　that　I　couldn't　simply　read　your　
thoughts　to　know　what　your　reaction　was　to　me。　I　wasn't　used　to　having　to　
go　to　such　circuitous　measures；　listening　to　your　words　in　Jessica's　
mind…　her　mind　isn't　very　original；　and　it　was　annoying　to　have　to　stoop　
to　that。　And　then　I　couldn't　know　if　you　really　meant　what　you　said。　It　
was　all　extremely　irritating。〃　He　frowned　at　the　memory。　

〃I　wanted　you　to　forget　my　behavior　that　first　day；　if　possible；　so　I　
tried　to　talk　with　you　like　I　would　with　any　person。　I　was　eager　
actually；　hoping　to　decipher　some　of　your　thoughts。　But　you　were　too　
interesting；　I　found　myself　caught　up　in　your　expressions…　and　every　now　
and　then　you　would　stir　the　air　with　your　hand　or　your　hair；　and　the　
scent　would　stun　me　again…　

〃Of　course；　then　you　were　nearly　crushed　to　death　in　front　of　my　eyes。　
Later　I　thought　of　a　perfectly　good　excuse　for　why　I　acted　at　that　moment　
—　because　if　I　hadn't　saved　you；　if　your　blood　had　been　spilled　there　in　
front　of　me；　I　don't　think　I　could　have　stopped　myself　from　exposing　us　
for　what　we　are。　But　I　only　thought　of　that　excuse　later。　At　the　time；　
all　I　could　think　was；　'Not　her。'〃　

He　closed　his　eyes；　lost　in　his　agonized　confession。　I　listened；　more　
eager　than　rational。　mon　sense　told　me　I　should　be　terrified。　Instead；　
I　was　relieved　to　finally　understand。　And　I　was　filled　with　passion　
for　his　suffering；　even　now；　as　he　confessed　his　craving　to　take　my　life。　

I　finally　was　able　to　speak；　though　my　voice　was　faint。　〃In　the　hospital？〃　

His　eyes　flashed　up　to　mine。　〃I　was　appalled。　I　couldn't　believe　I　had　
put　us　in　danger　after　all；　put　myself　in　your　power　—　you　of　all　people。　
As　if　I　needed　another　motive　to　kill　you。〃　We　both　flinched　as　that　word　
slipped　out。　〃But　it　had　the　opposite　effect；〃　he　continued　quickly。　〃I　
fought　with　Rosalie；　Emmett；　and　Jasper　when　they　suggested　that　now　was　
the　time…　the　worst　fight　we've　ever　had。　Carlisle　sided　with　me；　and　
Alice。〃　He　grimaced　when　he　said　her　name。　I　couldn't　imagine　why。　〃Esme　
told　me　to　do　whatever　I　had　to　in　order　to　stay。〃　He　shook　his　head　
indulgently。　

〃All　that　next　day　I　eavesdropped　on　the　minds　of　everyone　you　spoke　to；　
shocked　that　you　kept　your　word。　I　didn't　understand　you　at　all。　But　I　
knew　that　I　couldn't　bee　more　involved　with　you。　I　did　my　very　best　to　
stay　as　far　from　you　as　possible。　And　every　day　the　perfume　of　your　skin；　
your　breath；　your　hair…　it　hit　me　as　hard　as　the　very　first　day。〃　

He　met　my　eyes　again；　and　they　were　surprisingly　tender。　

〃And　for　all　that；〃　he　continued；　〃I'd　have　fared　better　if　I　had　exposed　
us　all　at　that　first　moment；　than　if　now；　here　—　with　no　witnesses　and　
nothing　to　stop　me　—　I　were　to　hurt　you。〃　

I　was　human　enough　to　have　to　ask。　〃Why？〃　

〃Isabella。〃　He　pronounced　my　full　name　carefully；　then　playfully　ruffled　
my　hair　with　his　free　hand。　A　shock　ran　through　my　body　at　his　casual　
touch。　〃Bella；　I　couldn't　live　with　myself　if　I　ever　hurt　you。　You　don't　
know　how　it's　tortured　me。〃　He　looked　down；　ashamed　again。　〃The　thought　
of　you；　still；　white；　cold…　to　never　see　you　blush　scarlet　again；　to　
never　see　that　flash　of　intuition　in　your　eyes　when　you　see　through　my　
pretenses…　it　would　be　unendurable。〃　He　lifted　his　glorious；　agonized　

eyes　to　mine。　〃You　are　the　most　important　thing　to　me　now。　The　most　
important　thing　to　me　ever。〃　

My　head　was　spinning　at　the　rapid　change　in　direction　our　conversation　
had　taken。　From　the　cheerful　topic　of　my　impending　demise；　we　were　
suddenly　declaring　ourselves。　He　waited；　and　even　though　I　looked　down　to　
study　our　hands　between　us；　I　knew　his　golden　eyes　were　on　me。　〃You　
already　know　how　I　feel；　of　course；〃　I　finally　said。　〃I'm　here…　which；　
roughly　translated；　means　I　would　rather　die　than　stay　away　from　you。〃　I　
frowned。　〃I'm　an　idiot。〃　

〃You　are　an　idiot；〃　he　agreed　with　a　laugh。　Our　eyes　met；　and　I　laughed；　
too。　We　laughed　together　at　the　idiocy　and　sheer　impossibility　of　such　a　
moment。　

〃And　so　the　lion　fell　in　love　with　the　lamb…〃　he　murmured。　I　looked　away；　
hiding　my　eyes　as　I　thrilled　to　the　word。　

〃What　a　stupid　lamb；〃　I　sighed。　

〃What　a　sick；　masochistic　lion。〃　He　stared　into　the　shadowy　forest　for　a　
long　moment；　and　I　wondered　where　his　thoughts　had　taken　him。　

〃Why…　？〃　I　began；　and　then　paused；　not　sure　how　to　continue。　

He　looked　at　me　and　smiled；　sunlight　glinted　off　his　face；　his　teeth。　

〃Yes？〃　

〃Tell　me　why　you　ran　from　me　before。〃　

His　smile　faded。　〃You　know　why。〃　

〃No；　I　mean；　exactly　what　did　I　do　wrong？　I'll　have　to　be　on　my　guard；　
you　see；　so　I　better　start　learning　what　I　shouldn't　do。　This；　for　
example〃　—　I　stroked　the　back　of　his　hand　—　〃seems　to　be　all　right。〃　

He　smiled　again。　〃You　didn't　do　anything　wrong；　Bella。　It　was　my　fault。〃　

〃But　I　want　to　help；　if　I　can；　to　not　make　this　harder　for　you。〃　

〃Well…〃　He　contemplated　for　a　moment。　〃It　was　just　how　close　you　were。　
Most　humans　instinctively　shy　away　from　us；　are　repelled　by　our　
alienness…　I　wasn't　expecting　you　to　e　so　close。　And　the　smell　of　your　
throat。〃　He　stopped　short；　looking　to　see　if　he'd　upset　me。　

〃Okay；　then；〃　I　said　flippantly；　trying　to　alleviate　the　suddenly　tense　
atmosphere。　I　tucked　my　chin。　〃No　throat　exposure。〃　

It　worked；　he　laughed。　〃No；　really；　it　was　more　the　surprise　than　
anything　else。〃　

He　raised　his　free　hand